Fearless [Arc II]: Day 65 - I fear for this

The deeper I get into writing this novel (Fearless, that is), the more I wonder whether I can really call this thing a "romance novel."

I think that the drama of human relationships is what I do best in my writing. At least, it's what I enjoy the most when I write. Of course, I have fun with humour and description and word-play (perhaps too much, at times), but what really resonates with me in stories are the connections that occur between people. Many of these connections deal with love and sexuality, because they're adults, and because it's what I've found fascinating in my own adult relationships...not to mention, it can be just plain titillating to read (and write!) that stuff. But then I read something that made me rethink myself.

"The Red Pen of Doom" by @speechwriterguy is a fine weblog about writing in general, whether it's journalistic, fiction, or typing in a blog. I genuinely recommend it, because it approaches the craft of writing with honesty and humour...which you need in spades in this game. (It's far more entertaining than most of our ramblings or even finer works, certainly more informative than this place I use to get down ideas in the middle of the early morning.)

Anyway, one of the articles at "The Red Pen of Doom" has to do with romance novels. It's a funny, witty piece about how they are, in actuality, a love song to the male of the species. Go and read it here; I'll wait. And read the comments, too, because that's what's driven me to post this.

Now that you've got that little pearl of wisdom about what romance novels are really about, and what romance novelists think of their own genre, let me get back to my dilemma.

Since the beginning - since I first imagined that moment when Ross is sitting on the beach and looking out over the water he trusts more than anything, promising himself that no woman is worth the heartbreak he's suffered at the hands of the last two...but then, of course, falls for pretty little Amber, who nearly breaks his heart in another way - I've called Fearless a romance novel. But, now, after reading that article and those comments, I'm just not certain I can count this story among that number.

Like the stories I've always enjoyed, Ross's story is about love, and lust, and learning, and strength of heart and purpose, and finding the wherewithal within oneself to be better, not for any reason save for the sake of the person you love. It has romantic elements, yes (and plenty of them, both tender and smuffy), and the hero gets to become, over the course of the story, a real hero. Not quite the kilt-wearing, sword-swinging kind, but the kind who's willing to stay when things get ugly, and to fight, too, when fighting means not giving up.

But is it a romance story? I just don't know any longer.

It is still the story that I want to tell. It is still the beautiful bit of heartache that I want to share, not only to show my friends that I can write more than the terrible werewolf porn I wrote as an angsty university student, but because these people mean something to me. Because they're a part of me, I guess. I don't need to write novels for a living or go on talk shows to discuss the origins of my ideas or any of that. I just want this one story to share; I want this one story to be good. After that, I'll happily go back to playing in the pond of Doctor Who fan fiction or whatever.

But I do want this story out there. And now, I don't know where it should go. If you have any insight, please let me know? (And, before you ask: No, I won't put a sword in Ross's hand. That's for another story.)

Fearless [Arc II]: Day 62 - Measuring up

I've kind of given up on the word-counter measurement in a public forum, since I'm so far behind (at about 112K as I write this). I still think that I can probably wrap up the story proper by 150K, though. And I am tracking how many words I write per day, since that seems to help me stay on-track with the whole thing.

But that's not what I came to talk about. This is what I came to talk about:

I can't believe that I'm still obsessing over hit statistics.

:/

Yes, even after the craziness that hit statistics caused for my life during my writing of 1 More Chance!, I'm still caught up in the stupid things. It doesn't even really measure anything, except that someone happens to click into a particular chapter of the story. It doesn't mean that they read that chapter, or were moved by it, or have anything to say about it (because they're not leaving me feedback). They could have even just stumbled upon some random link somewhere and clicked through because they were curious or clumsy.

Yet, even though they mean fuck-all, I'm still checking those idiotic click-logs.

I think because I was never very popular, and I'm under the mistaken impression that popularity makes my story better...when I know Goddamn well that many popular stories are really, really terrible and some of them even have mediocre writing (hello, Twilight!), and just because lots of people look at it or leave lots of reviews, it doesn't necessarily mean that the story is any good. It just means that it's getting attention, for one reason or another. Maybe because of the title. Maybe because of the summary. Maybe because it's shouting, "M/M SLASH! YAOI! LEAVE REVEIWS [sic] PLEEZE!" right there on the front page.

And I've always said that I would much rather have only one person read my story and genuinely enjoy it and give me thoughtful feedback on it (because that shows that you've actually read the damn thing), than a hundred people who just glance through and not really give a shit (or give one of those frankly pointless reviews that say only, "Write more soon!").

But still here I stand, in the middle of my storm, waiting for someone to say something. And for what? For what, really? I really should just get back to work, and forget about the masses, and do what I'm always telling other people to do: to pull yourself up by your boot straps and hop back up into your saddle and silence every naysayer and just fucking write. Because that's all I can really do, at the end of the day, no matter what the masses want or demand or whine about.

It's just what I do.

Read Fearless, Chapter 1

For anyone interested, the teaser and first chapter for Fearless is up at FictionPress.com:
http://bit.ly/xLkciF
I've enabled anonymous reviews for this particular story, since not everyone out there probably has an account with FictionPress (even though it's free), and it would be great to get some feedback.

I'm not certain how many chapters I'll be posting, since the story is still in a draft phase, but since a few people expressed interest, I thought I would at least give them the chance.

I'm not expecting a lot of response, though. First, because it's difficult to grab a reader with a 250-character summary for a story that is already over 110,000 words long. Second, because...well, because I've realised that talk is cheap, and even if someone says they support me and they'll read my stuff, I have yet to find any actual person who lives up to their words. (Cue cynicism; I'm more like Ross than I sometimes like to admit.)

Anyhow, the first chapter is available to read, so at least I have someplace I can send anyone who claims to be a supporter.

Fearless [Arc II] Day 55 (What Happens Next?)

Looking for some help, here, folks. Now, I know this excerpt is from a work in progress, and this likely doesn't give you a very good idea of what's really going on (but don't worry; I've got that covered). But since it is still a first draft, what I'm asking for here is your recommendation if the scene should just end here, or if it's worth it for me to go into more specific detail of what comes next.

Slipping his hand around the base of her head, he took gentle hold of her and drew her face close, pushing himself half the distance between them, so that they met in a deep and longing kiss. She pressed up against him, too, winding her arms around him as that kiss swiftly grew beyond one of lips alone, to include tongues and breath and hands and very soon bodies, as well, moving together in matching rhythm. 

Acutely aware of their limited privacy, they traded their kisses quietly, though there was no trade of passion for silence. If anything, the effort of their subterfuge made them both more heated, turning them almost feverish with desire; where she drew her tongue from his shoulder to just below his jaw was like the stroke of a cool cloth over sunburn. So he returned the favour, with a wet, licking kiss along her neck, that made her pull a full breath over his ear.

He craned his mouth to her ear then, as he slipped his hand over the pliant mound of her breast. “I love you,” he told her in a breezy breath, squeezing her tenderly in his palm.

She echoed him in voice and action, whispering the same words just as he'd done, her mouth tilted so close to his ear that her tongue flitted between hollow and helix with each syllable. Then, hooking her hand behind his head, she brought his mouth back to hers, shushing the wish he wanted to make with another kiss. They broke from each other with a tilt of his head, though, and it was then that he whispered aloud, for the first time in too long, into her mouth:

“I want you.”

She pulled back from him and gave a quiet sigh, her breath so close and warm that it made the bow of his lip bead with sweat. And then she began to chuckle. “You have terrible timing, Mister Finch,” she told him in a hushed murmur, the stutter of her voice something between a laugh and a sob.

Ross dropped his head and rubbed his cheek against hers; the sound of his faint, unshaven stubble against her skin was louder than his lamenting reply. “I know,” he said. But then he tilted his chin and kissed her lips again, still wanting.

Amber didn't protest against this; her mouth clutched to his for not just one or two but a string of kisses, all of them almost soundless yet still equal to his desire. After a few moments, she pulled away again to speak: “Venus is right in the next room...!” she said, as though in warning.

“I know,” he whispered again, and then he pressed his mouth to hers once more, full of aching feeling. And while he knew that it would be more responsible and more prudent and more sensitive to tell her that the time wasn't right, that they should just get to sleep, that they could wait until the morning when Venus was gone to satisfy their renewed affections, he didn't say any of those things. Rather, he smiled as he let his lips unclasp gently from hers, and told her:

“It just means we have to be quiet.”

Her eyes seemed to flutter open just as he looked at her, and the tiny twinkling he saw in them now wasn't scared, or admonishing, or even hesitant, just a bit embarrassed. “You'll have to help me,” she said, and he nodded and smiled again. Then she gave a single low cough of a giggle. “And be very quiet,” she added, and at that, he had to grin.

“I will be whatever you need me to be,” he said, and in reply, she grinned, too, pulling herself against him with her hands as they met for a new kiss that would bring them both to bloom.

So, let me know:
Do you like what you've read?
Do you want to read more?
Do you think this is enough?
Or should I just go back to writing fan fiction?

...Though I'd appreciate it if you didn't just grab the claw hammer and start bashing.

Thanks!

Fearless [Arc II] Day 53 (Sharing)

I am vacillating whether or not to share parts of this story in progress. I already have some excerpts on this blog, of course, but they're more draft-y, and they don't really tell much of the story. What I'm considering is posting the first (mostly-complete) chapter somewhere. I had a brief conversation about it with a reader of my fan fiction, who suggested it might help drum up interest...but I'm so far from the publishing stage, right now. Would it be misleading to start posting chapters and whatnot now? Or would it, as he says, build excitement for the finished product? I think I'm probably over-thinking this. I'm also likely being super-optimistic that anyone is going to want to read this at all, when I'm ready to send it for publishing. Still, it's something to consider, I suppose. Right now, I'm in a section of the story that I'm hoping is fulfilling from both a romantic and a realistic perspective. Not a lot of people think of "romance" in the same way that I do (read: with a healthy dose of sex), but, like 1 More Chance! was, this story is for myself, first. And a big part of Ross's identity has to do with his highly sexual nature. So, that's the way the story goes. And besides, I like it.

Fearless [Arc II] Day 50 (Julian is Trouble)

I probably introduced one of the newer characters - Julian Tufts - a few weeks ago, but he's been some amount of trouble. Not the character, himself, but the way that he interacts with the others, especially Ross, who's already in an unfamiliar and unsettling position with Amber. Add to that Julian's presence, and his interactions with Amber, and writing what is supposed to be a genuinely good guy who really does have the best intentions becomes tricky. Still, he's a neat character to have.

He fills Neville's shoes, in some ways, being something of the local superstar. But since Ross doesn't know him all that well, Julian still stays somewhat aloof. Which is good in some ways, but then difficult for storytelling purposes in others.

I'm also finding that Venus is stepping up, too. That's a development I really didn't foresee when I pulled her character together. But the fact that she's a woman who is close to Ross without being an intimate of his (unlike some other female characters) gives her a very interesting perspective on him. And it doesn't hurt that she's a nurse, so she can be both friend and confidante as well as adviser. Which is kind of important, at this point in the story.

Ah, but I love this one! I really want to share it with other people, and I can't wait to do so. But first, the story has to be complete. :)

Fearless [Arc II] Day 34

It's a brand new year...and I'm still working on Arc II. Still no name for either arc (not like the last big story), but that's okay. Not everything has to be named to be important.

I got my first reader feedback for this story the other day (from a family member, but, hey - I'll take what I can get). Said feedback wasn't overwhelming (there wasn't a lot of detail), but it also was not negative, so I'm considering it at least moderately successful.

What I'm really enjoying at this part of the story is how Amber and Ross are almost exchanging perspectives, back and forth, multiple times. It's a really interesting dynamic that I haven't been able to play with, before. And it's doubly interesting because I don't have fandom fans telling me how I should or should not write my own story. (Not every reader of my fan fiction work does that, of course...but the ones who do are really opinionated about it, often obnoxiously so.)

Another part of writing this story which I really enjoy is that these characters are mine. Sure, they have their inspirations and their jumping-off points, but those inspirations were one-liners, only rough facets of the full gem beneath. I feel like I've grown to know Ross, Amber, Neville, and the rest as closely as - if not more than - I've done any other characters. Perhaps because their conflicts and issues are so much more real to me than any other story's. Perhaps because they have real flaws and fears that I've experienced in my own life. Or perhaps simply because they're not shooting zombies or jumping into television worlds; I don't know.

All I really know is that I'm so glad I took this chance on them. NaNoWriMo may have ended several weeks ago, now, but I feel like I've only just begun to find this novel.

40503 / 50000 words. 81% done!

(This wordcount meter, by the way, doesn't mean anything at all. I had hoped to reach the end of Arc II after a second 50,000 words, but I don't think that's going to happen. I think there's too much drama in this second arc to cram it all into just another 10K or so.)

[Fearless Arc II] Day 28/29

Chapter 12 had not been working for me. There were too many issues being brought up, and there was no cohesive thematic element to tie everything together. I'm a firm believer in unifying events of a chapter around a theme...so about two days' worth of hemmed and hawed text had to go.

As these things tend to do, though, it's already working better, even though I'm only on the second page of the chapter, whereas I had been around the seventh. Such is life (and writing), though, and I think these changes are making the story flow much better, now.

32907 / 50000 words. 66% done!

[Fearless Arc II] Day 25 - Christmas Day

It's been difficult making these latest chapters (and wordcount!) work. There's so much detail to review, and a gamut of emotions to cover. Still, it's coming together. Perhaps not so quickly or smoothly as I may have hoped, but solidly. And I think that's more important than either speed or ease.

It's Christmas here, today...and it's also Christmas for Ross and Amber, though their Christmas is decidedly less homey and relaxing than the one I get to enjoy.

It's always an interesting development when the world for which I'm writing is in the same time of year as the one currently around me. Often, I'm writing summer for winter or vice versa. Nothing all that surprising, given that the written world is one which the writer controls, while the world in which we live happens day to day, but when the synchronicity of season occurs, it's still rather neat.

31548 / 50000 words. 63% done!

[Fearless Arc II] Day 13

This is absolutely the most difficult chapter I've had to write, so far.

Because it just hurts me to hurt these characters, so.

16063 / 50000 words. 32% done!

[Fearless Arc II] Day 9

One thing I enjoy about writing relationship (romance) fiction, is that I get to incorporate actual conversations I've had, that tickle me to this day.

The time came when the swells started to shift with the onshore winds, making them pack up their boards and gear and head in for the evening. Amber went back to the house on Albion Street for a spell of a few hours, but she returned near closing time, with some tasty takeaway and her rucksack of fresh clothes slung over one shoulder, greeting Ross again at the door with her perky smile and soft kiss.

Neville joined them upstairs in the flat for curry and the Danish crime drama that had captured their attentions over the last several weeks, during which Amber curled herself close under Ross's arm, sucking thoughtfully on the last of the pulpy mangoes they had for dessert, while the guys sat quietly engrossed in the subtitles.

“Those two are totally going to do it,” Ross interjected during the closing scene of the episode, nodding toward the screen.

Beside him, Amber broke into light giggling. “I know!” she said, tumbling gleefully against his chest; without the onscreen drama and tension, she turned lively and lighthearted once more. “I was going to say the same thing.”

Sitting on the floor in front of the sofa, Neville craned his head around to look at Ross. “Why does everything with you have to be about sex?” he drawled with a snicker.

“It doesn't,” Ross told him. Then he gestured toward the screen again. “But they've got chemistry! I mean, look at them. You can see that she wants him.”

Amber poked him in the chest. “He wants her, you mean!” she said. “He can't trust his old lover anymore, not after she planted that evidence. But he can trust this woman. And you can tell that he really wants to trust her; you know, he wants someone he can believe in, someone he knows is honest and worthwhile.” She bobbed her head knowingly. “That is prime romance material, right there.”

Indeed, it is, Amber love. Indeed, it is.

10304 / 50000 words. 21% done!

[Fearless Arc II] Day 6

Today, I wrote the introduction of Susanna.

She's a difficult character for me to consider, especially from Ross's point of view. On the one hand, she needs to be someone for whom he at one time would have felt lust and desire and a naive simulation of young love. On the other, she represents everything that he doesn't like about himself, and all of his fear for the future. I don't want to slight her; I don't want to make her a caricature...but I don't think this is yet the time for her to become real and rounded, for him.

Plus, the guys - especially Neville - tend to protect him, still. Perhaps that's something to consider as this conflict builds....

9112 / 50000 words. 18% done!

[Fearless Arc II] Day 5

It's been harder to keep up the pace with this arc than it was with the first one. I think because I had the NaNo-meter to keep me abreast of where I was, and there was a lot of excitement going on about the month, in general. Now, things have cooled down a bit. (And I've cooled a bit, too. Enjoying more mornings/evenings snuggled beneath a blanket, rather than perched at my writing desk.)

But I did manage to make some major headway in the last few days. Not as prolific as I'd been for the first few days of NaNo, but I think that things are pulling together nicely nevertheless. I was even asked by my first reader for a draft! :D (Always nice when someone asks for that, with sincere interest.)

The one issue I'm finding is that I don't have much interest in going back and reading fan fiction stuff, lately. Not just my own for editing and posting, but other people's, as well. I just really want to concentrate on Ross and Amber's story, right now, that the thought of reading anything else that does not take place in their world kind of bores me. Gosh, that sounds terrible, and terribly selfish, since the folks whose stuff I should be reading were very supportive of me all through my writing of 1 More Chance!.

But I think I have to be a writer first, and a reader second, in this case.

7736 / 50000 words. 15% done!

[Fearless Arc II] Day 1

Continuing the saga of my novella-turned-novel, with a new challenge of words-per-day and progress bar. I figure that if I can write the first arc of the story in about 50,000 words, I should be able to write the second arc in a similar way (it's really not all that complicated).

Here's to the challenge!

Fearless Arc II Progress:

513 / 50000 words. 1% done!

:)

[NaNo 2011] Day 30 / Last Day

It's coming down to the wire for NaNoWriMo 2011. Even though I hit the 50K-word count mark a few days ago, I'm still trying to treat this as a hit-quota-per-day adventure as I move into the second arc of the story. There's a bit of catch-up characterization for the main protagonists, here, since I'm jumping forward some in time, both for them and their romance.

Right now, LibreOffice says I'm at 53,834 words, while the NaNo word count validator says I'm at 52,357; there's a discrepancy there because of the way that LibreOffice sees curly-cue quotes (and I have a lot of sympathy for writers with more dialogue than I do, who were confused by that discrepancy!), but I'm pleased with where things are headed, now.

I'm taking a little bit of time to let my protagonists have some happiness before I drop them into the next big conflict...but that is coming, and soon. I think I'll keep this 'blog through my progress, even if it's not daily updates, because it's interesting to look back and see how far I've come with this story.

[NaNo 2011] Day 29

Starting the second arc of the story has been more difficult than I was expecting it to be. I could just jump right into the main conflict...but I want to do some happy stuff. I know that it's not conducive to keeping a story moving, but this is a romance story, and I feel like if I'm just speeding my characters along from one conflict to the next, the reader will feel like they're on an emotional rollercoaster.

What do you think?

[NaNo 2011] Day 28.2

Not only did I finish Chapter 6 (and Arc I) at lunch today, but I also completed my NaNoWriMo goal of 50,000 words written in November!

It feels a little bit anti-climactic, since I know there is more of the story to write, but that will definitely not stop me from enjoying this feeling until I get the chance to write again. :)

[NaNo 2011] Day 28

Apparently, the NaNo novel validator does not like the way that LibreOffice does its word count, so while LO tells me I'm above the 50K mark, NaNo is telling me that I've still got about 500 words to go. That's fine, though; I'm not quite at the end of Chapter 6 as of this writing (though I'm really, really close).

This first arc has been a real joy of an experience for me to write. I feel like I've come to know Ross, Amber, Neville and the rest in the last twenty-eight days just as well as I got to know Chie and her friends over the course of nearly three years. Their voices - however conflicted they might sometimes be - are so clear in my head (and on my page) that I shouldn't be surprised at how easily they often flow from my brain to my fingertips.

I really want to see this one through to the end, which is one reason why I'm seriously considering making December Finish Novel Writing Month, or - perhaps more directly accurate - Finishing Fearless Writing Month. (FiNoWriMo? FiFeWriMo? I'll have to work on that!) I feel like I owe it to these sweethearts, though. And I want to keep building their world around them, if that includes the original outline or not. They just feel that special to me.

Here's to another successful day of writing...and, just maybe, validation!

[NaNo 2011] Day 26

While I'm almost at the 50K mark as I write this, what is even more important to me is that I am absolutely coming up to the end of the first arc of the story, now...! Just a bit of arc-ish denouement, and I can start work on... dun dun dun! ...Arc II! (That just happens to be the main thrust of the story. Of course.)

I'm really happy with what I've accomplished so far, though. I haven't felt such love for characters in a long, long time, and I feel like anyone who reads this will read it because they enjoy my writing and the way I shape relationships within my worlds, rather than because they want to see how I do or don't screw up a pre-existing universe of characters.

One of the things of which I am often accused is being too descriptive. I can't really help it; that's just the way that I write. And I personally like description, especially if it helps relate aspects of the characters - and the way they interact - without using a lot of dialogue. (Not that there's anything wrong with telling a story through dialogue. Except that it often ends up being just that: telling.)

They took once more to the bed soon after, caressing and cuddling rather than seething and grinding, because Amber hummed that she wasn't quite ready for sex again yet. Though it was still enjoyable even so, for it gave Ross reason and opportunity to concentrate on all of the tiny subtleties of her form: from the webby skin between her toes (that was very ticklish when he played his tongue there), to the shallow hollow of her navel (in which the smell of soap lingered wonderfully when he pressed his nose there), to the sensitive inner ridge of her ear (which made her belly cringe and her nipples harden when he blew a string of suggestive obscenities there).

With this paragraph, by the way, I hit 49445 words, just a bit over 500 shy of the NaNo goal of 50K. Four days early, even!

49445 / 50000 words. 99% done!

Of course, it's still all about the story.

[NaNo 2011] Day 24

It is Thanksgiving Day here in the US, and I'm supremely thankful for many things (my family, my health, my loved ones here and overseas), but - at the moment - I'm most thankful for my husband and my girls, who allow me to get up early in the morning (and stay up late at night) just writing, without any expectations on my time or attention. When I want to write, they let me write, and I'm very thankful and grateful for that.

In NaNo news, yesterday saw the (fourth attempt) at the end of Chapter 5 (Of Princes or Devils). It's also the attempt that worked the very best to my satisfaction.

I know that NaNo is about "writing with abandon" ... but I can't allow myself to write just any old crap simply to get the word count up. I want to tell a good story, and so the end scene of Chapter 5 gave me a lot of trouble. I wrote it at least three times - never to my own expectations (or, seemingly, to Ross's and Amber's, since they kept demanding I go back and change things) - and struggled with flow of actions and motivations. I did finally get it to a wonderful point of completion, though (again, four drafts in). It's a lovely if painful moment for my would-be lovers, and it (hopefully) bridges nicely the end of the NaNo novella experience and the beginning of the second arc that will carry it through to full-fledged novel.

Working on Chapter 6 right now, which is feeling so much better with the latest write-through of the end of Chapter 5. This should put me over the 50K mark. Also, as I mentioned, it should finish up the first arc of the story.

I think I'll put these first six chapters out for proofreading once I'm done and working steadily on Arc II. So, if you're interested in a read-through, let me know.